Follow up on my imperfections, the not as humorous version

               I dropped a bottle of syrup at the grocery store yesterday. A nice man picked it up for me and talked a bit about his arthritis. It’s very rare that someone recognizes my clumsiness much less makes me feel okay about it. I want to clear something up, I am okay. I’ve posted a lot recently on Facebook about how clumsy I am. It’s normal, for me anyway. I’ve come to a deep understanding of myself and what is normal for me. None of those things are new, I’m just learning to be a more humorous and open person. I haven’t had enough humor in my life. I suppose the average person isn’t at all that clumsy. There are likely a number of things that contribute to the way I am, maybe migraines, sleeping troubles, low blood pressure or other things.

               All those little things add up, little things I can’t do much about, just accept them as part of who I am. I’ve spent enough time letting them frustrate me or hold me back.  Despite any of those things I don't just do "the best I can".  I do well and I promise I'm still a normally functioning human being.

               Part of the reason I’m so open on social media is because writing is much easier than talking…so much easier. I’m a bit of an introvert (maybe more than just a bit). There’s a whole big part of me I don’t express. I can’t even really explain why. Some of it is I don’t want people to see exactly how off I can be at times, mostly from the perspective of my mental capacities not always being at their best. I know I’ve been called weird too more than the average person, and in my adult life I wonder if in particular moments it was a set-back. I don’t need reassurances that it’s not, that I am not or have never been weird, or that everyone is weird in some way. There are levels of weirdness that I think only the slightly weird truly understand.

               A part of myself I don’t express around people is my concern about many issues in the world, so I share articles on Facebook. I know there’s nothing I can do about most of those things, that I don’t have a deep enough understanding. I also know there’s hardly anything I can do to affect the way others think. Some of the things I do understand well enough though are introversion, frustration, silent illnesses, losing a parent before you're fully an adult, and things just not being right or going well. I’ve spent more of my life feeling unhappy than being happy. I am clueless as to how many people, close to me or not recognize that fact. I don’t care if people see that in me. I really don’t care what a lot of people think of me because I know I’ll get over it and I’m learning to create my own happiness. What I do care about is other people that feel like me, and the many people that feel way worse. There are so many, a few I know personally, whose pain goes unrecognized, pain short-lived and pain that is woven throughout too much of their lives.

               There are so many people trying to hide parts of who they are. It’s not always easy and some things slip through the cracks. My main purpose in writing this is that I want people to recognize that faults exists but they shouldn’t matter. I’ve had a few of my faults that I felt just wrecked things, particularly on the job front. Everyone cares deeply about their friends and relatives and they don’t see the faults or don’t think they matter. Though there are times, I’ve witnessed this in my life and in others, where near strangers don’t understand and they judge. The problem is that too often people don’t realize when they are making a judgement. There’s the saying “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” That saying is not enough; many of the people you say that to have trouble adopting the mindset. A few words can’t fix deeply seeded feelings or anxiety. Be the person who doesn’t matter and doesn’t mind. We need more of those people in the world. The whole world could use more nice people in grocery stores. When someone you only know a little bit makes a mistake, big or small. don’t see the mistake, see the person above all.

               To the people who might feel like me, I hope I am inspiring you to accept your imperfections.

Why you might not want to trust me with everyday objects

              I’m clumsy. I’m completely imperfect, the most imperfect person I know really. Don’t let my occasional sarcasm fool you and say I’m not. I may be unaware of my surroundings at times, but I’m okay with that. My goal in life is to be a teacher, and since I don’t have a full time job, instead of teaching art I will teach the world that imperfection is okay. Now I’ve been perfect for the past 18 hours, haven’t had a single clumsy act or moment of forgetfulness since dropping carrots on the floor yesterday, so with that level of perfection I don’t know if I can relate to the lowly imperfect people in the world, but I’ll try.
               Since writing that sentence 2 seconds ago I remembered I also dropped my phone last night, so that’s 13 hours of perfection. I suppose now I can relate. Here are some of my not quite best moments I’ve posted on Facebook:

• This morning I was doing something at my computer and stopped to put a note in a cup of pencils that happened to be sitting 6 inches away from my coffee. Ten minutes later I had a delightful sip of folded paper infused with the essence of coffee.  I'm going to pretend that was the only clumsy thing I did all day. Please reassure me that clumsy and unaware are positive job attributes.
• A lesson I learned today: Don't keep candles next to plants. You will inevitably water the candle because you are not a morning person.
• I'm not a morning person. This is evidenced by me turning on the coffee maker without a cup under it. That's okay maybe everyone wants to start their day cleaning up a coffee spill. I'll pretend that's true so I can feel better about myself. Learn from my mistakes world.
• My soup dropping skills are seriously impressive. Soup spread 5 feet across one wall and 3 feet across another. The really amazing thing is that there's a wall between the two covered in soup. I dare you to try and rival that.
• I spilled catnip while putting it in a toy, then cleaned it up using a lint roller. Monster decided the lint roller makes a better toy.

Other odd and clumsy moments I remember:

Once I didn’t notice Monster Cat walk into the fridge when I had the door open.  He spent 2 hours there before I discovered him.

When teaching painting I stressed to the students not to drop the paint containers, even if the paint doesn’t spill it could crack the container.  I was the only one to drop the paint in that week and a half, and on the very last day of painting.  I’m not sure my pants, the floor, and computer chairs particularly appreciated it.

To my students who don't understand the expressions I make

                I’ve lost count of how many clay students had to restart all or part of their projects the past week, and subsequently how many times I’ve tried to stifle laughter.
                I found a way to make googling pictures of cartoon characters at work acceptable. Every week I have my students track their progress for me through a document like this:

                That was a week ago, with 9 kids professing they were doing good. As of today at least 3 projects from that class were completely destroyed and another is missing a piece. Stifling laughter is a surprisingly hard part of teaching high schoolers. One of them caught me laughing and decided it was worth proclaiming out loud. Oops... At least they’ve all made progress and are doing better than this class was 3 weeks ago:

I'm sure students notice my expression at times, but I fear they don't understand them, so I must say this to my students:

                 I don’t laugh because you made a mistake and it shows your lack of knowledge or the fact that I know you weren’t paying attention in class.  I laugh because your expressions are so funny.  I laugh and more-so just smile because I know that sometimes you are truly learning in that moment…or I smile because it’s the first time I’ve seen you really care about something…or because it’s the first time I’ve seen you stop and truly contemplate what you’ve learned and that you are problem solving on your own.  I also smile when you make the decision to restart your project not because it was falling apart, but because you want to do better.  Or I just laugh because you are annoying and restarting means you have to work harder and you know you can’t afford to waste time, thus you are FINALLY quiet.  I know you can’t all be wonderful, but I hope someday you will be.
                Not too many students seem to get upset when they have to start over…but sometimes they do.  In those moments I frown, perhaps too noticeably.  Another note to my students: I don’t frown because I'm unhappy with you, or if you are doing poorly or because your project won’t be due on time.  I frown because you frown, because you are upset and frustrated and I wish you weren’t.

I'm done lamenting, here is the good

Three posts this week.  When I think I really think, and when I feel I really feel everything, every possible emotion, and probably some that no one knows exist, or at least can’t be expressed in the English language.

            I said I wanted to see a better world, but neglected to say how we can make it be, and how some people are making the world better, even if in small ways for one small person.  I need to be positive, and really I am.  I also said earlier that life seems to counterbalance the good with the bad, but that doesn’t mean we can’t counterbalance the bad with good ourselves.  We just need to make the choice to.
            I’ve come to the realization that I don’t have any real friends.  This does not make me sad or lonely.  It in fact makes me incredibly comforted that I don’t have friends, because I have family.  Those that were once friends mean far more to me than I ever imagined they would.
            I’m terrible at making friends, absolutely terrible.  I was never the kid on the playground that said “Will you be my friend?” or excitedly said “Let’s be friends!”  I was the kid who heard those questions and awkwardly said okay and waited for them to lead so I could follow.
            I’ve always been the person to accept friendship but never ask for it, even when I was in college.  If I was ever a leader before then I didn’t know it.  I cannot express enough how gracious I am that people accept me and love me even when I don’t love myself.  I am so enormously gracious to have so many people in my life that found me, people that want me in their lives and have loved me and reached out to me when I hardly had a word to say.  I’m often introverted and quiet, sometimes timid.  I care way more about things than I ever express in person.  I want to say thank you ten times more than I ever do to everyone I know.
            My friends are my family.  Treat everyone you know as your family, and know that even if a person doesn’t say thank you, even if they never have anything more than a hug to offer, be their family.  Be their family when they can’t muster a hug or even a glance.   Just be family.  Just love and try to love more than you think you can.  English only has one word for love, but many languages have ten or scores more.  Learn that there are so many different kinds of love, and please, please, please try to understand the people who don’t show love.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not understood, but as I said, there are amazing people who have fallen into my life and they don’t make me feel that way, I make myself feel that way.  I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes, but I have so many positive influences that I’ve been made to know that I am regardless of what I think.  Everyone, every person in the world is enough and every person is worth loving, they just don’t all know.  Let them know it.
            I happened across this article just minutes after writing this post.  It perfectly echoes how I feel.  If you think you’ve read too much today or don’t have the time save the article for later.  Or read it later simply so it doesn’t overshadow my own meager words.  Maybe my words aren’t meager; I’m still trying to figure that out.  At least I know some people don't think so.

Article: "The Moral Bucket List"

I want to see a better world

            Two movies based on real events have nearly made me cry in two days (Spotlight and October Sky).  Perhaps there are too many things to be emotional about lately.  I almost never cry, and I mean never.
            There are just too many negative things going on.  It’s overwhelming to think about.  Politics right now are a disgrace and embarrassment to our country.  A few people I know are expecting to move soon.  They mean everything to me and have become family to me in just a few years.  Lastly, someone I didn’t know died recently in my apartment, a friend of my roommates.
            I think what really bothers me overall is the way people treat each other.  They harm others, take advantage of, they hit, they hurt; they intimidate and demean other people.  They drive some people to hurt themselves.  It’s not okay.  The world we live in is not okay.  What’s worse is sometimes we watch and accept the harm people can do to each other.  Some of us even encourage and vote for it, though I’m not writing to discuss politics.  Unfortunately I have deeper things to talk about; though it’s hard to measure what one ill is worse than another.
            All I can do is try to write eloquently, and hope and pray that the pain everyone faces is not too much to bear.  It was the second time someone has died in a house while I was in the next room over.  This time I didn’t know the person.  This time there was no rain, nothing to signify the depth and sorrow of this loss, just a person on the floor and tears in the eyes of those that did know him.  I don’t want to live in a world where young people die this way, by overdosing, by circumstances that is seems could have been prevented.  My mother died of cancer.  Cancer makes life difficult,  but it is not the mark of a difficult life in the way drug use often is.
            That’s as eloquent as I can be right now.  I just have to say this all really sucks.  I don’t want to know and see that there is sadness in the world.  It sucks for my roommates, their family and his far more than it does for me.  I can’t fathom the things I know to be true.  That’s a lie, unfortunately I can fathom the pain death brings, and other situations that make life seem so hard.  I just wish I couldn’t.  Here I sit, hoping my words will be enough, yet knowing they aren’t.  But they are all I have in the fight against the ills of this world.  All we can do is live the lives others didn’t get the chance to as best we can and hope it’s enough, hope that the best parts of them are carried on through us.

Disclaimer:  I don’t know if this post will bother any people that know me.  I took some time considering if I should say anything at all.  It relates to recent church conflicts, though not in detail.  However upsetting what I have to say may be, I do not write to make people happy.  I write to make them think, and I’m sure some of what I have to say is also true of other churches.

                It’s a wonderful feeling to be wanted, to know that you very truly are.  While subbing today in one of my favorite rooms, the classroom aid, knowing the teacher would be out said she thought to herself before coming in “I hope Miss Plumridge is in today, it would make my day easier.”  Thank you, thank you for showing your appreciation, and thank you to the students.  It’s a wonderful and overwhelming feeling to be around such positivity.  I suppose that’s because my own mind is so negative.  It’s nice to see high school students who know my name and actually use it, students who greet me happily every time I see them.
                Despite that making me feel so great, life seems to counterbalance the good with the bad.  I can’t always be funny.  Actually my humor only really surfaces when I’m angry or facing extreme anxiety, or if I happen to come across a picture of a Disney character I like.  They represent emotions I can’t always convey well.  For a person who likes to write, I often think I can’t find the words to describe my feelings.  I said anxiety causes my humor, but I guess not always.  What I’m going to write below pertaining to the church brings out some anxiety, but also a sadness I didn’t feel the depth of until I finished writing it all out.  I wrote more than I’m posting, but this is the essence of it all.
                The conflict within the church has nothing to do with me.  I’m just a bystander.  Give me a reason to stay, seriously please.  This is not a confrontation, but a plea.  I want a reason to stay beyond my pretty young face and ability to have children.  Looking back on my time in this church it seems that I’ve been appreciated for my youth more than anything else (from some people, of course not everyone)
                The church should grow from the outside as much as from within.  I once came from outside of the church.  I was only there a few years.  Recently it’s seems as if the church is only welcoming to some and not all.  Some members have been pushing to do more outreach, while others have sat in silence, perhaps hoping to tire the efforts of people whom they disagree with.  You squashed the hopes and dreams of some of the most amazing people I know.
                By not wanting to do outreach, I feel as if the church might as well have denied me too.  I used to think the church was welcoming, but I’m beginning to see that although they may greet those who walk in the door with genuine regard, they are not inviting.  If I was valued, then why aren't people from the neighborhood?  The only difference between me and them is that I was invited by someone from inside and they were not.
                At least I know there is value beyond my pretty young face elsewhere.  But what if I didn’t?  What if I didn’t have other strong supports in my life?  I certainly would not be the at least somewhat happy and stable person I am.  Churches are supposed to be pillars of support.  I am fortunate to have found a few people in this church whom I can fellowship with and look up to, though unfortunately that is far from the majority.

Happening today: Oh no catmageddon…and oh yea I’m starting a temporarily stable job soon. No biggie.

The fact that this video exist is the 2^nd best part of the week, and I must admit it came in 2^nd by a very narrow margin, because cats are totally tubular.

I’m quite enjoying a relaxing night at home scouring the internet.  Here’s another link because nothing beats Ninja Turtles vernacular and the internet makes me so happy that sharing is a necessity.  Take note of #9, they loved cats too!
15 Reasons The Original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" Were Totally Tubular

          Now here is where some of the jokes wind down and I talk about something of substance rooted in the real word. The interview apparently went well unbeknownst to me.  The greatest part…I was the best at something!  Who cares that I’ll actually get to be in a place I like doing a job that I love.  I’m just excited that I was the best interviewee.  I’m the best at everything, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Overconfidence or sarcasm?  You’ll never know.

          The only unfortunate thing (so far, who knows what will unfold in a classroom full of teenagers every day) is that it’s a long-term sub position and will end May when the school year does.  However, it will be so so so wonderful to be in the same place every day working around the same wonderful people.

I’m feeling two extreme emotions right now….

 

# 1 "Looking up"

# 2 "I'm happy, totally happy, not at all nervous that I will make mistakes and the other teachers will hate me for my existence."

          I’m not nervous about the kids or my ability to teach. That needs to be stated, because I’m afraid the interviewers will somehow stumble upon this blog and the irrational fear will rise that if I don’t show at least a little bit of confidence they will judge me and question their decision.  I know that’s not going to happen, but the thought still occurred in my irrational crazy mind.

          Denise has pointed out more than once recently that I doubt myself too much.  I do, but I’m slowly learning not to. A meager thing for some but big to me, is that I’ve been trying harder to be a people person.  I can be when I need to be, but not in small everyday situations. I started a conversation with a worker at the grocery store though about bananas.  I stared at the bananas for a minute and he asked if I needed help, so I said I was looking for a small bundle, and I didn’t want to tear a few off from a big bundle because that’s just sad and annoying when all that’s left are a few bananas no one takes because a careless selfish person like myself left a small bundle behind no one wants because bananas are delicious and who doesn’t want to takes as many as they can get in one bundle?  There’s another win for me today: That may be one of the longest run on sentences ever.  If you read a lot I dare you to find a longer one, except don’t actually tell me because I want to think I won at another thing today.

So I had an interview today...

The morning began like this:  Panda Bean (my second lovely cat that doesn’t know what solitude is) sat on my portfolio.  I put it in a place she never goes, but I guess she felt like exploring new territory and watching closely while I spent entirely too long looking nervously in the mirror.  When you have cats nothing you own is really yours.  They lay claim to everything, especially when you need it most. Here’s proof:

Toilet paper, not mine

Lesson plans, not mine

Hair ties, definitely not mine.

Countless craft supplies, also not mine.  I guess he needed to have a say in the direction of my Christmas crafts.  Future potential roommates or not yet existent husband please take note that I’m not usually that messy.  

I don’t have many pictures of Panda Bean because like me she doesn’t sit still for very long.

          And so the interview; I didn’t get anyone’s name wrong this time!  During my last interview in the summer, I gave the wrong name of the teacher I worked with for 2 months.  His name and the wrong name both start with Z’s.  Did I get points for that at least?  I need as many points as I can get during interviews because I flounder.  Hopefully getting the Z right helped me fail by only 80% instead of 90%.  The 10% credit I give myself is for saying my own name right, remembering to shake hands and to sit still like a lady.  In future interviews I’m going to start spouting math problems so they don’t think I’m entirely stupid.  Answering 2+4 will totally display my high intellectual abilities, right?  Please tell me I’m right.

          A big part of my nervousness was that I’ve met the interviewers before.  I work in the building occasionally and have interviewed there twice for similar positions.  They were super nice and relaxed.  I am just much more comfortable around complete strangers than people whom I sort of know or can at least recognize their faces and remember their names. Another reason for my nerves is that I really want to be there.  I’ve been questioning what to do with my life lately and wondering if I am able to get where I want to go, especially because I just don’t do the whole people thing well, aside from kids.  Working with kids is the only time I don’t doubt myself.

Something to remember

          Here’s a helpful hint to the life impaired such as myself: Make sure to vacuum before lint rolling a nice dark purple shirt, because when you drop it on the floor, and you will, the cat hair on the rug you like to pretend doesn’t exist will attack your shirt.  I should win an Oscar for my outstanding ability to drop things and run into furniture and walls. Yea, I have been known to run into walls a few times. Let’s forget that embarrassing fact.

This is me preparing for an interview

I wrote something! It’s not particularly happy, but at least I can claim I’ve done something more productive with my day than eating a banana, which is saying a lot for me lately.

          I think it may be time to pay more attention to this blog, to writing, thinking and sharing.  I used to like writing, but for such a long time I haven’t had much to say.  I don't feel as if I do even as I'm typing now.

          I hide my feelings almost all the time.  In church last Sunday we were asked to turn to someone and tell them one of our greatest worries.  I said "life".  It probably sounded like a sarcastic attempt to evade the question, but I could not have given a response any more true.

“The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

and it looks like I'm the Queen”

          Alex said I need a hobby.  Jokingly I said sci-fi is my hobby.  That’s a hobby right?  I can read and watch sci-fi endlessly.  Can petting cats be a hobby, and lying under warm blankets?  I have 4 hobbies; I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now!

“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore.”

          Perhaps the reason I don’t write often is because I can never finish a thought.  My mind wanders too quickly from one thing to the next and I can’t follow my own brain at times.  FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!  It doesn’t seem to matter how much I yell to myself, it doesn’t get easier.  And onto the next never-ending thought that sits in the back of my head and creeps into my consciousness from time to time, what is wrong with me?

“It's funny how some distance

makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through”

          Now things are getting real.  It is time to see what I can do…but I’m afraid to fail, to make things worse for myself.  If you haven’t already guessed, Frozen is playing in the background as I type.  So what is wrong with me?  Nothing?  Everything?  Am I not letting something go?  I wish I had the confidence that Elsa does in those few lines.  I feel trapped by life, and especially by myself.  I have a huge fear of failure and that’s turned me into one of the laziest people I know.  I feel like I’m not the person I should have been if you look back into my life as a teen and early twenty-something year old.  I’m not the person others expected me to be either.  It shouldn’t matter.  Should it?  Should I still have the voices of people from more than 6 years ago in my head telling me to be better? My mom is one of those voices, perhaps the only one worth holding on to.  My senior year of college I hung a note on my wall that said “Mom would want me to do better”.  She was sick and getting sicker.  I was sad and getting sadder. I didn’t see her often at the time, but that notion empowered me.  Six years later and her silent voice telling me to do better only brings me down.  I can’t do better.  I don’t have the energy, the motivation or the focus. Things have gotten in the way.
          I don’t feel normal, I never really have.  I assumed some of my small oddities were just growing up, but at the age of 27 I can see they’re not. That’s really what’s getting me down lately.  After typing and forcing myself to face my thoughts instead of drowning them out with tv and reading like I do most of the time, I’ve gotten to what’s really on my mind.  Me.  I’m on my own mind too much.

I don’t focus well, or sit still.
Sometimes I just can’t think straight.
I don’t sleep well.
I can hardly ever relax.
I don’t remember simple things.
I don’t talk to people easily.
I have seizures (had, maybe occasionally do get partial ones, I don’t really know).
I get migraines.

          And frustrated, I get frustrated. It seems like all these things have gotten worse.  Maybe some of them haven’t. Maybe they are just harder to deal with as an adult with true responsibilities and expectations.

I don’t even know what I can do, because it seems there’s too much that I can’t.
Well one thing is for certain,

“That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand in the light of day

Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway”

Perhaps I just need to redirect the storm.