I wrote something! It’s not particularly happy, but at least I can claim I’ve done something more productive with my day than eating a banana, which is saying a lot for me lately.

          I think it may be time to pay more attention to this blog, to writing, thinking and sharing.  I used to like writing, but for such a long time I haven’t had much to say.  I don't feel as if I do even as I'm typing now.

          I hide my feelings almost all the time.  In church last Sunday we were asked to turn to someone and tell them one of our greatest worries.  I said "life".  It probably sounded like a sarcastic attempt to evade the question, but I could not have given a response any more true.

“The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

and it looks like I'm the Queen”

          Alex said I need a hobby.  Jokingly I said sci-fi is my hobby.  That’s a hobby right?  I can read and watch sci-fi endlessly.  Can petting cats be a hobby, and lying under warm blankets?  I have 4 hobbies; I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now!

“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore.”

          Perhaps the reason I don’t write often is because I can never finish a thought.  My mind wanders too quickly from one thing to the next and I can’t follow my own brain at times.  FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!  It doesn’t seem to matter how much I yell to myself, it doesn’t get easier.  And onto the next never-ending thought that sits in the back of my head and creeps into my consciousness from time to time, what is wrong with me?

“It's funny how some distance

makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through”

          Now things are getting real.  It is time to see what I can do…but I’m afraid to fail, to make things worse for myself.  If you haven’t already guessed, Frozen is playing in the background as I type.  So what is wrong with me?  Nothing?  Everything?  Am I not letting something go?  I wish I had the confidence that Elsa does in those few lines.  I feel trapped by life, and especially by myself.  I have a huge fear of failure and that’s turned me into one of the laziest people I know.  I feel like I’m not the person I should have been if you look back into my life as a teen and early twenty-something year old.  I’m not the person others expected me to be either.  It shouldn’t matter.  Should it?  Should I still have the voices of people from more than 6 years ago in my head telling me to be better? My mom is one of those voices, perhaps the only one worth holding on to.  My senior year of college I hung a note on my wall that said “Mom would want me to do better”.  She was sick and getting sicker.  I was sad and getting sadder. I didn’t see her often at the time, but that notion empowered me.  Six years later and her silent voice telling me to do better only brings me down.  I can’t do better.  I don’t have the energy, the motivation or the focus. Things have gotten in the way.
          I don’t feel normal, I never really have.  I assumed some of my small oddities were just growing up, but at the age of 27 I can see they’re not. That’s really what’s getting me down lately.  After typing and forcing myself to face my thoughts instead of drowning them out with tv and reading like I do most of the time, I’ve gotten to what’s really on my mind.  Me.  I’m on my own mind too much.

I don’t focus well, or sit still.
Sometimes I just can’t think straight.
I don’t sleep well.
I can hardly ever relax.
I don’t remember simple things.
I don’t talk to people easily.
I have seizures (had, maybe occasionally do get partial ones, I don’t really know).
I get migraines.

          And frustrated, I get frustrated. It seems like all these things have gotten worse.  Maybe some of them haven’t. Maybe they are just harder to deal with as an adult with true responsibilities and expectations.

I don’t even know what I can do, because it seems there’s too much that I can’t.
Well one thing is for certain,

“That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand in the light of day

Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway”

Perhaps I just need to redirect the storm.